Thursday, January 5, 2012


So today I'm on my computer so my rant is going to be a bit longer than normal.  Its been a pretty stressful day.  It started out okay but then I decided I would try a cookie from my clients at her insistance after I made them, and not five minutes later, I was in the bathroom puking my guts up.  Great.  I didn't feel sick at all but apparently my body hated that I stuck the cookie in my mouth and it was telling me off.

I made it to the gym after work.  I was proud of myself.  I lifted a total of 20,550 pounds (thank you smartkey for logging all that information so that I could boastfully post this for no apparent reason other than to be proud that I can lift that much weight and still move).  I did ten minutes on the treadmill which totalled for half a mile. Yay me.  I couldn't believe I made it to the gym.  I usually hate going alone because I hate the stares that most people give.  Of course, this is partly my fault because I can not stand to be in the gym area without wearing a tank top and capris because I get so dang hot.  Figured, if you don't want to see me, don't freaking look.  I'm okay with who I am and what I want to do. 

After my workout, I went downstairs to shower and change.  As I went through my stuff, I realized I had no towel, but the kids had packed their swim accessories (floaties, goggles, and toys) in my bag which made it heavier and bulkier than I had remembered!  So lucky me got to drive home with my stinky self.  However, I did stop at the papers the gym always has advertising the latest things they are doing.

Well one of them is a Biggest Loser Challenge.  I'm really debating on doing this.  There is an individual challenge and a team challenge.  I don't really want to do the team one for cost wise and also the fact that you work out with other people at the same time.  Yeah it would have its benefits but the meeting times conflict with Weight Watchers.  However the individual challenge really looks like it might suit me.  Its fairly inexpensive and the only thing I struggle with is the fact that I may end up losing more faster than what Weight Watchers reccomends. 

I know that sounds weird but I don't want to gain this weight back.  I'm done.  I'm sick of the way I look now and feeling the way I do.  I don't like not being able to run to clear my head.  I hate not being able to keep up with the kids the way I used to be able to do.  I want to set an example for the kids.  I want to show them to eat the right kinds of food and in moderation.  Plus if I do this, I will also be teaching them that they can do anything that they set their minds too. 

I had a great lunch and tried the new sandwhich thins.  DELICIOUS!!  Low points also.  I was proud of myself.  This evening was a bit harder.  My daughter decides to make brownies so I let her.  (how do you tell a nine year old no when she wants to bake and doesn't need help??)  I was proud that my husband actually took them out of the oven and cut them for me (cuz I can't cut a straight line to save my life).  I actually got to have one and it was only 5 points!!!  I love the fact that the point system is like a game I get to play.  If I want something, I can have it.  If I want more, I can have it.  If I don't have the points, then all I have to do is workout for more.  Sounds like a plan huh??  Guess it works for me because I love numbers. 

I'm stressing a bit because I miss Dad.  I'm hoping he is looking down on me and is proud because I knew how he felt about me losing weight.  Before he died, he lost almost 200 pounds.  It was difficult to see him so tiny and frail but he looked good smaller.  I remember him saying, "Sis you don't want to be like me.  I don't want you to grow up and have the problems I've had.  Look at how hard its been on me."  It hurts to think about because I know what he is talking about.  With all the crap I struggle with and never say a word.  The eating disorder, the OCD, the dysplasia, my weight.  I've thought about making my family better and forgotten to take care of me.  That's what I'm doing now.  Taking care of me because without me, what does my family have?  Yeah, I'm taking a bit more time for myself and some things are getting left undone, but its going to be better for myself and my family in the long run.

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