Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I DID IT!!!!

Okay, so most of my friends and family know but I've finally hit one of my milestones. Well, its really two of them. I have lost 10 % of my starting weight (24 pounds) and lost 25 pounds. Yeah, doesn't seem like a big deal but it really is to me!! I was so excited. I wasn't really sure this was going to work but I've been on this journey for 2 months and I'm down 25 pounds. That is so cool to me!! I actually went and bought myself some workout pants (on clearance from Valentines because I can't seem to really want to spend a ton of money on myself when I can spend it on my kiddos). I was kinda bummed when they only had size large, but I said why not and got them anyways. Well, behold miracles, I squeezed into them and they look really good!! They aren't tight like I thought they would be.

I haven't really been measuring my body but decided since I hit one of my milestones that I should probably go ahead and do that. So I took my measurements. Wasn't excited about that at ALL. However, I have noticed some major changes in my body. One, I can bend over and tie my shoes without feeling like the air has been knocked out of me. Yeah, I wasn't that big but it still felt that way. Two, I am getting curves back into my body that I haven't seen in a while and I'm no longer shaped like an apple!!! My waist is starting to show and I can tell my tummy is getting narrower. I am worried about my inner thighs and that spot under your arm pits. I know this sounds wierd and over the years I've picked up a lot of useless information, but anyways, those are two places that moms who breastfeed store extra fat to make milk. Yes, I breastfed all three of my kids and for some reason, I never stopped making milk. Yes, that is way to much of an overshare but it explains why it is harder for me to lose the extra fat from those places. I'm hoping that those places will trim down once my body has decided that I'm kicking it back into shape regardless on if it wants to go or not. :P

I'm really enjoying Zumba. I have been doing the classes between three and five times a week. There are different teachers each night so the routine is always different. Then to top that off, every six weeks, they change the routines completely so your body never really has time to adjust. I love dancing so getting into this is really helping. On the nights I don't have Zumba, I have been walking or doing cardio in the gym. I haven't really been lifting weights these last two weeks because my scheduale got a bit hectic on the days that I had planned too. :( I'm going to try and remedy that this week at the gym!! The older two kids have decided they want to go back to the gym so they go and play basketball or run while I'm doing Zumba. Its great knowing that they kids are doing something healthy and maybe it will stick with them.

The kids really see me struggle with my weight. Its like a love hate relationship. I LOVE food way too much and my cousin has said many times that our family revolves around food most times. If we get together, we eat. It doesn't mean that I can't get together with them, it just means that we are going to bring healthier choices for our dish and hopefully choose healthier things to eat too!!! I don't want my kids to grow up and struggle constantly. I want them to realize that exercise doesn't have to be grueling if they figure out that once you reach a good weight, you just have to maintain and not let it spiral out of control.

The kids never seen me binge and never will. It was something that I was totally good at hiding. I'm not sure many people ever seen me eat because I was so ashamed to eat. If I ate, I felt like a pig so I would always eat small amounts in front of people but behind closed doors was a whole other story. It was nothing to polish off a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in one night, or eat the pan of brownies right out of the oven. I never realized I was full until I was too full. Its an aweful feeling. When I feel like I'm hungry, I eat but I eat slow. I concentrate on what I'm doing. Once I see my plate is empty, I tell myself I'm full even if I'm not. My body doesn't know full. I'm on the wrong wave length when it comes to that which is why I was diagnoised with the eating disorder. Some chemical imbalance that causes my body not to send the message to my brain saying Im full. So I get to teach myself how to do that. Sounds weird doesn't it?? I know I haven't really opened up much about it but I really hate talking about it. Its hard to. I'd rather say I just overeat instead of saying I'm defective. Yeah, it really feels that way. I know its something I can overcome with God and willpower, but it still sucks. Its not something I really enjoy or even want to deal with.

This is a turning point for me. I'm really on my way. I'm doing it and I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I'm going to get through it. One step at a time!!!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Down a bit.....

It seems like forever since I've posted. Lifes gotten a bit hectic. My grandma has been back in the hospital and gotten out. I'm feeling a bit depressed. I'm trying to kick it but it seems like it keeps pulling me down this last week. Not sure what is the cause.

"Depression isn't a sign of weakness. Its a sign that you've been to strong for too long".

I'm finding I'm eating more than is necessary. Not over eating by any means, but eating more than normal. I'm thinking its bcauseim trying to compensate for something but it feels like I'm going out of control. I'm still under my points for the days but its becoming hard. Guess its going to be the first bump in the road. I wish I could kick it quick.

I ddnt make I to he gym this weekend but I did a little. Yesterday I kicked te gym to the side, did a few errands, and went home & spent the afternoon with my kids. I kinda regret not going. :( I'm going to go to Zumba tonight and hopefully get a kick butt workout in. I'm debating trying to climb stairs. I've got a place to do it but I'm so scared of my knee going out on me.

So far my knee has been good to me and hasn't given me too many fits. Biofreeze has been able to help whatever pain I've had. I'm surprised with all the crap it has given me in my past. God has been good to me!

I'm a bitsdisappointed in my weight loss for this week but I guess I've expected more. I've been trying so hard. I keep reminding myself that I didn't put it on overnight, and I'm not going to lose it over night. I'm down 21 pounds in 7 weeks. Not too bad really but was really hoping to be more. Just going to have to step it up more. Life at home isn't helping with this. I feel like I'm constantly moving & constantly tired. Tryin to find the correct balance so that this is a permant change. I know going to the gym makes me feel better and I'm in a better mood but I don't always want to go. It has become the habit but it doesn't mean that I don't struggle with myself to get my butt to the gym. When I struggle with going, I try to think of how loose my clothes are getting, how my face is thinning out, how I can see more curves in my body. These things motivate me. yes, they seem silly but it works.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Sunday, January 22, 2012


Okay so now that I'm totally stressed out, I'm still noticing changes in my body.  I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged but its really hard when you find out some really difficult things.  They found out there is something wrong with my 6 year olds thyroid.  Well, I guess God has a reason for wanting me to change my habits as well as my families.  The kids are taking this way better than I could have ever expected.  The only one that I am meeting resistance with is my hubby.  Go figure.  I'm not sure that he will ever realize that this is a good thing. 

I was excited when I noticed there were things that I could do that I haven't done in a while.  I was able to run for about a minute on the treadmill without my knee killing me.  I'm working up to it though.  I was proud that I was able to work my way up to ten minutes on the wave machine at the gym.  :)  Thats a plus.  I was only able to do about two minutes in the beginning.  It just shows that you can do anything you put your mind to.   I've noticed my clothes are fitting a bit differently.  They are just a bit loser and don't feel as "snug" as they were.  I actually looked at myself in the mirror the other day while I had my shirt off.  I wasn't totally disgusted.  My hubby actually noticed a few differences in my body and voiced his opinion.  LOL.  I think he was looking for brownie points.

This is proving to challenge me a bit more than what I had originally thought.  I never imagined it would be easy but I never thought it would be this difficult.  I've really been intrigued with juicing and went to a wonderful class on it.  They were gung ho on going all organic and I"m just not sure I could go that far.  BABY STEPS!!!  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I am going to try to get a juicer eventually, just not in the cards at this point.  But I"m going to work a bit extra to get a bit of extra money to try and afford it.  I think it will help not only me but the kids.  I'd love to try more natural things for them and help fill them up without all the fats and sugars.

To update on the Biggest Loser Challenge: well, they are posting in the front who is on the top at this point and we are only a week in.  The top individual female lost 4.4% of her starting weight in just a week.  I've really been kicking butt in the gym this week but having to take two days out to clean the rental house didn't help (and I'm going to have to do more this week).  I"m trying to juggle everything and keep moving.  I think I am going to do six days of weights along with my cardio and take Mondays off from the weights so I can do some kick butt cardio and then maybe a few extra minutes in the sauna before my weigh in.

I'm a bit more nervous about my weigh in this week.  My monthly visitor decided it was time to show up so that doesn't help.  I"ve watched my salts and I"m drinking water.  I haven't really had the munchies or craving a ton of sweets.  I did eat a snickers bar the other day but it fit within my points and I think I still had quite a few left over.  :)  I had ate really well that day so that I could have that little snack and I did up my cardio that day also.

I have increased my cardio to 45 minutes every day. I do about 15 minutes warm up then about 25-35 minutes of weight training and another 30 minutes of cardio.  I've been burning about 400 calories everytime I work out. I"m on my way to a better me!!!!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Too long

Its been a few days since I've posted but its been crazy here. I've been at the gym a lot and I'm loving it. It really has helped with working on my stress levels. Tuesday my stress levels were through the roof. I walked into a disaster zone in one of my grandmas rental houses that I take care of. Well, thanks to a couple of amazing friends, we got most of the house picked up. I didn't get to go the gym yesterday butfour hours of cleaning should be sufficent. I'm really enjoying weight watchers. I've lost 11.4 pounds and I'm less than a pound away from my goal. I'm trying so hard to lose the weight. It has been great knowing that I'm not going through this alone and that there are others trying t make this journey with me. I know, I said trying. We are all trying. Its a struggle for many of us. I know I didn't put the weight on over night and its not going to go away that quickly either.

I'm excited for tonight. After two docters appointmnts for the kids, I get to go to a juicing class given by an old classmate. I'm loving my smoothie machine (which also does juicing) so that makes it easier! I'm trying to add more cardio but its hard because I am finding myself at the gym for almost two hours and I'm such a time oriented person! I wouldn't giveit up though. Its like a drug. I'm becoming addicted (to the gym!)! Who would have thought!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Renewed Spirit

Well, after long deliberation, I think I figured out why I actually gained instead of lost this week.  I think it had to do with drinking WAY too much water after being in the sauna just before the meeting and a bit of muscle gain.  I have noticed a major change in my bodys shape and so have several of my clients.  My calves have toned up noticeably (they weren't really fatty anyways but to see them firm again is nice).  Also, my clothes are fitting better.  My scrubs aren't as tight on my tummy as they were. 

It was hard to see my weight up instead of down.  I guess I'm really hoping to go down a whole lot more than what I did.  After some great talks with a few friends, I realized the above.  (guess I should have started out here rather than the other).  Its been really nice to have such support that I didn't have before. 

I did my first day of my new workout program and did my upper body.  I cleared my mind and worked up a sweat.  I did the TABOO too.  I weighed myself at the gym again.  It had said 236.6 (which Weight Watchers had said I was 235.6).  Well, today it said I was 234.6.  Down two pounds.  YOOOHOOO!!!!  Maybe I was just holding the weight and my crazy self had drank three bottles of water at the gym. 

My hubby is thinking I'm crazy for going to the gym 7 days a week, but at this point, I want to.  The gym gives me time to think, work out my frustrations, and gives me time to work on my goal.  One of my best girlfriends and I have set goals, and will work towards them together (even though she is 8 hours away).  Our prize?  Well, we decided we were going to go buy a new outfit and have a night at the casino!!!!!  Our goal is set for November.  Mine wasn't really a weight goal, but more of a life goal.  I want to run again.  Running for me was like someone addicted to alchol.  I love to run.  It made me happy.  I was always in a good mood afterwards and it gave me the time to clear my mind along with all the stressors in my life.  It was a way I could think out my problems and usually find the solutions also. I do have the weight goal to be about 180 around that time.

My spirit has been renewed after taking the time to think about everything and really looking at what was going on.  Weight isn't everything.  THIS IS MY LIFE I'm changing.  I'm going to better myself, my life, my kids' lives, and the peoples lives that I affect.  I know that sounds weird but everytime we come into contact with others, we change their lives whether we want to or not.  Sometimes we make a positive impact, but othertimes, we don't.  I want to be the postitive change.  I want to be the one that people think of as happy and positive.  I want to be the one that my kids run to play with, the one they want to go shopping with, the one they look up to and say "YA thats my mom!"  

Thanks for believing in me even when I have a hard time believing in myself!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

& it goes on.....

So today went fairly well.  Took my daughter to sell Girl Scout cookies and got to talk with a great person. Its nice to know that their are other people out there that are struggling like I am. I know this sounds odd, but I'm beginning to think I'm a bit odd.  I may be big but I really like the gym.  I always have.  I know I'm scared to go because I worry about what everyone is going to think of me when I go.  I guess that is the hardest part of me going. 

I remember when I first joined our Community Center and I started the wellness key (its this neat gadget that you put into the machines at the gym and it tracks what you have done, how much weight you have lifted, the calories you have burnt, and the distance you have gone).  The trainer that did my stuff was astounded by how much I could actually do.  She said I was "fit".  I was totally in shock.  I was in better shape than I am now but it still makes me smile.  Two years ago, I actually made the top ten list on most weight lifted two months in a row for women.  I got to thinking about it, and I think that is going to be another goal of mine.

Today was weights at the gym.  I actually lifted 23,876 pounds total.  I was proud of myself.  I'm getting back up there.  Yeah, my muscles are a bit tired and I think I'm going to see if they will split my weights up again, so I'm doing cardio and weights everyday.  Just switiching my upper body and lower body routines, plus whatever cardio I decide to do that day. 

I think I am going to try to do the Zumba Gold tomorrow with the trainer I know.  I'm nervous about that.  I just love that it is a high calorie burn and fairly low intensity.  I can modify it fit me exspecially with my knee.  Its doing better than what I expected it to do. 

I notice that I'm getting around better.  My knee is sore, but I'm able to get up quicker, move faster, and not groan as I try and tie my tennis shoes.  Crazy right?  Oh well.  Its me.  I'm totally scared of my weigh in on Monday.  The scale here at the house is on the fritz and shows a different weight everytime you go near it but I don't want to invest in another one because I hate the damn thing anyways.  I don't have a great relationship with it and I think I can actually live without it. With that being said, I must be crazy because I actually like knowing if I've lost a little bit and if I'm doing good.  Well, I guess I could try the "real" scale they have at the gym.  Hmmmm......  Wow, I've lost it.....  I'm arguing with myself on my own blog.  Guess that means it's time to get off here and go "treat" myself to Starbucks.  Yeah, I have the points. 

Have a GREAT evening!!!

Friday, January 6, 2012


Today I'm feeling a bit more confused and irritated than I normally do on any given day.  Its been a stressful few weeks with everything going on and I'm trying not to let things bother me.  I'm sitting here thinking about what my goals might be and what I really want to do, so here goes.

My first goal is one of Weight Watchers goals.  It is to lose 5% of my starting weight.  This means losing 12 pounds.

My second goal is a Weight Watchers goal too.  It is to lose 10% of my starting weight.  This goal I'm really pulling double duty because that means I lose 24 pounds but I also get rewarded at 25 pounds so I'm lumping them together. 

My third goal is to be up and active enough to enjoy Boy Scout Camp with my oldest son this year.  I'm really nervous about going to camp because I don't do well in the heat but this is something he wants me to do with him and I want to support him in it.  He asked me to go last year, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I have signed up to do it this year and I'm not backing out.  I'm hoping to be down atleast to 200 pounds by then, but I'll be fine as long as I'm able to handle the activity that we will be doing.

My ultimate goal isn't a weight oriented goal.  I want to become more physically fit and healthy.  I know with this, I will slim down.  I just want to set a better example for my kids so they don't grow up and struggle with their weight as so many adults do now days.  I want them to be able to run and play with their children and I want to be around for my grandchildren.  I want to actually have the energy and stamina to run so that I can clear my head and not stress so much.  I am hoping I'm on the right path and can stick with it.  That is my biggest fear.  That I will give up and be the weight I am for the rest of my life.  I"m not happy.  Although I keep a smile on my face, I'm not truely happy.  I'm stressed and confused and tired. 

This year is looking to be a good year.  Things may not be going exactly my way but I'm taking care of me and not worrying about everyone else.  I have to put myself back into the picture.  I'm hoping to go do my exit interview at school and maybe even sign up for some more classes.  I may even try to get a new job once scout camp is over, unless one happens to fall into my lap before then.  I would really like to see me be more physically attractive before I start looking for a new job because I know the likliness of me getting hired is better. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012


So today I'm on my computer so my rant is going to be a bit longer than normal.  Its been a pretty stressful day.  It started out okay but then I decided I would try a cookie from my clients at her insistance after I made them, and not five minutes later, I was in the bathroom puking my guts up.  Great.  I didn't feel sick at all but apparently my body hated that I stuck the cookie in my mouth and it was telling me off.

I made it to the gym after work.  I was proud of myself.  I lifted a total of 20,550 pounds (thank you smartkey for logging all that information so that I could boastfully post this for no apparent reason other than to be proud that I can lift that much weight and still move).  I did ten minutes on the treadmill which totalled for half a mile. Yay me.  I couldn't believe I made it to the gym.  I usually hate going alone because I hate the stares that most people give.  Of course, this is partly my fault because I can not stand to be in the gym area without wearing a tank top and capris because I get so dang hot.  Figured, if you don't want to see me, don't freaking look.  I'm okay with who I am and what I want to do. 

After my workout, I went downstairs to shower and change.  As I went through my stuff, I realized I had no towel, but the kids had packed their swim accessories (floaties, goggles, and toys) in my bag which made it heavier and bulkier than I had remembered!  So lucky me got to drive home with my stinky self.  However, I did stop at the papers the gym always has advertising the latest things they are doing.

Well one of them is a Biggest Loser Challenge.  I'm really debating on doing this.  There is an individual challenge and a team challenge.  I don't really want to do the team one for cost wise and also the fact that you work out with other people at the same time.  Yeah it would have its benefits but the meeting times conflict with Weight Watchers.  However the individual challenge really looks like it might suit me.  Its fairly inexpensive and the only thing I struggle with is the fact that I may end up losing more faster than what Weight Watchers reccomends. 

I know that sounds weird but I don't want to gain this weight back.  I'm done.  I'm sick of the way I look now and feeling the way I do.  I don't like not being able to run to clear my head.  I hate not being able to keep up with the kids the way I used to be able to do.  I want to set an example for the kids.  I want to show them to eat the right kinds of food and in moderation.  Plus if I do this, I will also be teaching them that they can do anything that they set their minds too. 

I had a great lunch and tried the new sandwhich thins.  DELICIOUS!!  Low points also.  I was proud of myself.  This evening was a bit harder.  My daughter decides to make brownies so I let her.  (how do you tell a nine year old no when she wants to bake and doesn't need help??)  I was proud that my husband actually took them out of the oven and cut them for me (cuz I can't cut a straight line to save my life).  I actually got to have one and it was only 5 points!!!  I love the fact that the point system is like a game I get to play.  If I want something, I can have it.  If I want more, I can have it.  If I don't have the points, then all I have to do is workout for more.  Sounds like a plan huh??  Guess it works for me because I love numbers. 

I'm stressing a bit because I miss Dad.  I'm hoping he is looking down on me and is proud because I knew how he felt about me losing weight.  Before he died, he lost almost 200 pounds.  It was difficult to see him so tiny and frail but he looked good smaller.  I remember him saying, "Sis you don't want to be like me.  I don't want you to grow up and have the problems I've had.  Look at how hard its been on me."  It hurts to think about because I know what he is talking about.  With all the crap I struggle with and never say a word.  The eating disorder, the OCD, the dysplasia, my weight.  I've thought about making my family better and forgotten to take care of me.  That's what I'm doing now.  Taking care of me because without me, what does my family have?  Yeah, I'm taking a bit more time for myself and some things are getting left undone, but its going to be better for myself and my family in the long run.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Today was a bit rough. I feel like I'm running on fumes. Guess it could be getting up at 3:30 am to go to work and not getting into bed until after 9 pm. That's gotta change. I usually take a nap in the afternoon but with my wonderful children being home, I really haven't had a chance for any peace and quiet. They go back to school tomorrow. Yeah, I'm going to miss them but I'm glad I get some peace back.

I decided to go outside today to get my workout in. It was 50 degrees out and I wanted to take advantage of the weather while I could. Shockingly, my husband wanted to go to! So I picked him and the kids up and we drove over to the community center. We walked the outside track while the kids walked in front of us, each with their owm mp3 player on singing at the top of their lungs. I couldn't help but laugh. They made it one lap (which equals a mile) before they decided they wanted to play on the playground. My hubby stayed with them and I walked another lap. Um, that might have been a mistake. I wear my shape-ups when I walk and today was no different. The track isn't flat either. There are several hills. I'm definitely out of shape. I'm completely disappointed in this new realization. No sugar coating it there. I was at a point of running again after all the stupid knee surgeries I've had and to have it hurt and throb after walking is not pleasant. Guess I'm going to have to step it back up and make myself go to the gym.

I'm not having trouble with eating. Im doing great with that. I've found several recipes I want to try. I even picked up some flounder, now if only I can figure out a good recipe to cook it. I am definitely liking the fact that I can have fruits and vegetables whenever I want. I'm not really craving any of the junk food that I did before. We ate at a fast food restaurant the other day and I took a tiny bit of my favorite burger and it wasn't even really appealing. Hmmm.... Could my taste buds really be changing that quick? Maybe something in me just clicked this year. I don't want to be this weight any more. I'm done with it. I have found some good cookie reciepes that have curbed my sweet cravings and the fresh fruit has really helped. I think this could be a permanent change.... I'm crossing my fingers!

Now just on to a better routine..... And more sleep!!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The beginning

Well as odd as this sounds, I got the idea from my cousin to try this out. Basically I'm going to use this as a daily journal. I'm going to rant, rave, share my success and failures, and my journey through this lifestyle change.

First off, I'll tell you a little of my history. Im 31 years old. I have battled an eating disorder since I was about 16 years old. Back then I was as thin as a rail. I had anorexia. I didn't eat and constantly thought I was fat. I weighed a whole whopping 98 pounds soaking wet standing 5'4". not a good number. As the years went on, and three kids later, I've gained a lot of weight. I hate how big I've gotten. Absolutely hate it. I now battle binge eating disorder. I can literally eat and not fell full. Not a good thing since I will eat until I purge. I've learned to control it and I watch my portions. It's some type of chemical imbalance in my brain.

I did really well with getting back on track and becoming healthy again once I had my third child, but then my grandfather passed away. I freaked. I stopped watching my weight and the scales rose. A year later my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We found out two weeks before Christmas last year. I spent the last year taking care of him til this past August. He passed away two days after my son turned six. I shut down and ran on auto pilot. I still feel like I am times. then my oldest son asked me why I was so fat. Wow, that was harsh, right? Guess I hadn't paid attention. I had ballooned to my highest weight yet again. Then I seen a picture of myself. Omg. I hate it. We aren't suppose to be ashamed of our bodies but I totally am.

After all this, I decided to join Weight Watchers. I've been on the program a week. I've lost 6.6 pounds so far and I'm loving it. The points, to me, are like a game. If I want something, I can have it. I can make bargains, workout more, or save my points. I know it sounds weird, but so far it's working good.

I seem to be struggling with the working out. I love the gym, but I'm embarrassed of my weight. So my alternative is getting my butt kicked by my kids on the Wii playing Just Dance 3. I'm having a blast and I know it's going to wear out but hopefully this helps out til I can motivate my big butt to go back to the gym and climb on the dreaded treadmill before I do my weights.

I don't have an ultimate goal yet but I'm hoping to lose at least 80 pounds this year. I have many "mini" goals that have set along the way to help me succeed. My first goal is to lose 5% of my starting weight which was 241.6. Scary right?